Gymlokaal

Geschreven door: Luzerno Westerbeek | Datum: 16 maart 2009 om 22:54 uur

Groen linoleum met witte lijnen, kringen..
Gymlokaal met kinderen aan de ringen.
Vertel een vriend(in) over dit gedicht.

Cijfer: 2.4/5 (77 stemmen)

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een leuk begin,.
maar het kan best een stuk uitgebreider.

ookal is het nog maar met 4 of 6 zinnen,
als het langer was geweest had het al veel beter geweest
misschien een tip voor de volgende keer.

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Op het laatst kun je overal over dichten:
zoals; het toilet, een rustige zit,
pas op, verlies niet je kunstgebit.
of
waslijn: iedere dag hangt zij hier weer te droog,
vele kledingsstukken met een uitzicht zo hoog!!
(volgens mij een grap?!)

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Beste Natasja, ik begrijp dat het best wennen is deze korte dichtvorm.

Maar het is juist mijn bedoeling in zo weinig mogelijk woorden in de wezelijke
kern door te dringen.
Ik vind juist dat wat onaf lijkt, een indringender kijk ligt van het basketballen, dan daar meer zinnen aan te besteden.

Het is een japanse dichtvorm die daar al eeuwen bekend is.

Groetjes Luzerno

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aan Marianne.

Probeer eerst eens goed te lezen, wat ik hier schrijf,en laat het tot je doordringen.voor dat je met deze kinderachtige reactie komt.

Basketbal wil ik hier in zijn meest elementaire vorm terugbrengen, zonder omhalen en omschrijvingen, waar het in de dichtkunst mijnsinziens vaak tot goedkoop poeziealbum rijm verwordt.
Dit is een Japanse dichtvorm kort en vrij van moraal, waar ik een broertje dood aan heb.

L.W.

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Sorry, basketbal was natuurlijk het vorige gedicht. Dit is het lenolium in de gymzaal op school en kinderen aan de ringen.Maar daar geldt het zelfde voor. Een beetje inlevingsvermogen alsjeblieft. Ruik je het linolium niet ?

Jammer dan. Maar dit toch te proberen vind ik interesanter en eigenlijk zelfs gedurfder dan altijd maar de bekende begane paadjes te volgen.
Huwelijksbootjes, eeuwig trouw, jij bent mijn rots in de branding etc. vind ik zo afgezaagd. verzin eens iets originelers.

Van mij mag je dat schrijven hoor, maar je kan mij niet kwalijk nemen dat ik daar niet van houd.
Normaal gesproken zou ik niet zo reageren,
maar nu je zelf zo begint....

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sorry!!!

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